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Forever

I had many thoughts in my mind.

Thoughts that I wanted to write about.

Here I am, at my laptop, and I can’t think of what those thoughts really were about.

I have not been feeling too well, today. I have had a bit of a sour stomach. Next time, I won’t drink a big jug of beetroot juice in less than five minutes.

I have been feeling like the electricity in the air today is different, strange. My vibrations are foreign to me, today. I have felt melancholy, indifferent.

This does not mean that I am not grateful for all I have. I have my son, and he is healthy, and that is enough for me.

I feel like I am cruising in neutral, today. I have been coasting. I do not feel good. I do not feel bad. In fact, I do not feel much at all.

The air is warm. The sun is setting.

My son just left for the night with his other parent.

I could feel lonely, which is my ‘go-to’ feeling when he leaves, but I resist the temptation.

I am exactly where I need to be, and it just so happens that I am meant to be by myself. I am used to being by myself, with the exception of being with my son, or being at my work. I am by myself, frequently.

It is amazing that I, usually, never am bored. I am never bored because I have my ‘go-to’ things that I do. I am a curious person.

I have writing.

I have listening to music.

I have playing music.

I have cooking and baking.

I have clothes to clean.

I have friends to call.

I have 2 free online college courses I am enrolled in.

I have meal prep videos to watch and learn from.

I have meditation to practice.

I have many things I enjoy doing, and I have learned that I enjoy doing these things, on my own. Maybe someday I will meet someone who likes to do these things too. I am not counting on that, though.

I know how to spend my time, wisely.

I have been giving much thought to how temporary time is, life is. How temporary it all is. Each moment, each breath. This is all temporary, including my feelings.

I don’t know if this reality scares me or releases me. I work on the latter.

It has me questioning things, for sure.

What is NOT temporary?

The fact that my DNA runs through that of my son, is NOT temporary.

The fact that I love my son, without boundaries, is NOT temporary.

The fact that I am forever connected to my bloodline, is NOT temporary.

As of now, these are the only things I can think of, that are NOT temporary.

Even my memories of today, are temporary.

My memories of my past are temporary.

I could not remember my name someday.

What do I have, right now, that is tangible for me? What do I have that is in reach? What do I have that I can hold onto?

I can hold onto the mental photo of my son’s face, before he left tonight. I study his face, all of the time. The most precious face I have ever seen.

I can hold onto the feeling I had, today, when my son gave me a kiss on my cheek.

I can hold onto the thought I had, today, of one of my oldest friends, and how I adore our friendship. That friendship, I feel, is permanent.

I can hold onto the fact that I spoke with my sister on the phone today and feeling grateful that I am able to do so.

I watched my ex partner leave with our son, tonight, and have held onto the memory of when we lived together. I remember, once upon a time, feeling great comfort living beside another person.

I hold onto the look of my father’s face, the last time I saw him. We were at my brother’s funeral, his son’s funeral. I have never seen such an expression of strength and sorrow, on one’s face. No words could describe how he looked that day. No words are needed.

I hold onto my memory of picking up my brother from airport about 10 years ago. He was so happy. He gave me an honest hug. When I think of my late brother, I think of this. He had a grin, miles long, turning that corner in the airport. I could see that he was proud of himself, for once in his life.

I hold onto my thoughts of my step mother, and how she much be grieving the recent loss of her mother. I feel her sadness from 2 states away.

I hold onto my heart, tonight, that is filled with a beautiful ache. All the feelings of love and loss, combined.

I let go of my mind, and let my thoughts come and go without judgement.

All these thoughts are temporary, yet for tonight my memories are within reach.

I am going to coast. I don’t need to be anywhere, but here.

I have no direction, but to be here.

Life is precious to me, even though it is temporary.

I suppose, the only thing that lasts forever, is love.

Love, real love, lasts forever.

Written by Nix 2018

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