People

Sometimes I listen to music late a night, and pretend to look back on my life. I wonder about what I would remember, treasure, miss, value, regret. I look at all the decisions I am making now, and I wonder if in the end they meet this fantasy of the future I imagine for myself.

I don’t wonder about what I think a lot of people are concerned about such as success, or legacy, or money, or the circumstances of my death. I think of people. People are of such value to me. I have such care and love for others which I have no right to have. Almost like a parent would, but not quite in the same way. I tend to care about other people more quickly than they do for me.

There’s something wildly fascinating about the individual person that makes me want to know more about them. What they truly think, how they truly feel, what it is like to live their life, or be inside their head. The more I get to know people, the more I fall in love with who they are. Even despite the things I may find displeasing and off-putting.

I have a tendency to view others in terms of they positive traits and identify them by those, while categorizing the negative ones as “not their fault”.

I don’t quite understand why I place so much value on people. People can be such a source of contact existential angst to me. People come with problems, obligations, stresses… They trigger my anxiety, and a feeling of a need to help them.

But I guess I just feel truly my happiest when I feel extremely close to someone. That feeling of when you just “get” each other. Knowing who each other they are, and what makes each other tick. Maybe that’s a false feeling, something I delude myself into. But I enjoy it so much.

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