Am I the failing PhD student?

Finishing my third year of grad school, I would describe it, in a word, as disappointing. Growing up with a professor for a father, I thought that I was destined to succeed at grad school and become a professor myself. That I was fully prepared for the challenge ahead of me. I never considered the mounting crushing failure following my every step. When you grow up around successful people it is easy to fall into if they can succeed, than so should I. I do not feel like a success. I am a chemistry PhD at an Ivy League Institution with a 3.94 GPA. This sounds prestigious, but it a world where you are measured by the quantity and quality of your publications, I am anything but. I have no publications. I am not anywhere close to a publication. I am beyond crushed, frustrated, heartbroken and embarrassed by this.

To be honest, the worst question my family asks me is how is research going? It’s not. Every week I sit at my desk trying to go forth into the wonderful world of knowledge, and by the end I feel as though I am catapulted two or even fifty steps back. My project had started out with what seemed like a success. Last year I even won a poster award. Then one day it was pointed out to me that the method was wrong. That we couldn’t use it. At first I tried to deny it, but then reality set in. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I wanted to abandon the project entirely and even quit grad school. My PI wanted me to persist, and so persist I did. Over half a year later, I am still in the persisting phase of the project. I have never dealt with such long term failure before.

A STEM PhD is essentially a results driven metric, a publication metric, and in some ways that seems like the only definitive part of grad school. It seems as if there is no proper path for me to follow to get from where I am now to publications to a PhD. I sit in meetings, listening to other people’s success, and I can’t help but feel pangs of jealously towards my labmates, cohort and friends. I know it is toxic and it certainly feels wrong, but when you are put up against success all around you and you have seemingly none, it can’t help but feel like the world is ending. How did they end up on the right path as I stand here wandering aimlessly?

As children we are encouraged that we are special, that it doesn’t matter if you are the best, and the…

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